- The Washington Times
Thursday, April 21, 2022


Oh, to be alive in this age of science fiction in America.

We have zoomed — at Ludicrous Speed — past George Orwell’s “1984” and Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Our libraries are kept at precisely 451 degrees Fahrenheit. 

The “Planet of the Apes” was the good ole days. The zombie apocalypse was our debutante ball, our bar mitzvah, our 18th birthday party.

We now live in a land ruled by the Easter Bunny where all science is fiction. We have triumphed over gender and conquered free speech. Theft is charity. Science is religion, and fiction has become science.

“We choose truth over facts,” President Biden told us before he surrendered the presidency to the Easter Bunny, who this week tackled Mr. Biden and dragged him away from an unscripted reporter who almost interviewed the vacated president. It was not clear how Mr. Biden had been allowed to come in contact with the reporter during an Easter Egg roll at the White House. 

Luckily for science fiction, a grave international incident was averted when the Easter Bunny swooped in and shuttled Mr. Biden back to the babbling children chasing Easter Eggs on the sunny, green White House lawn. Among candy-crazed children, Mr. Biden remains king.

It is important to note how far we have come since just 50 years ago when aggressive bunnies threatened to topple the free world by attempting to assassinate former President Jimmy Carter while he was fishing from a rowboat in a pond on his peanut farm in Georgia. 

Today, we live in harmony with the Easter Bunny. Or do we? Is this an “Animal Farm”? Or a human prison?

Anyway, hail to the Easter Bunny!

In a faint squeak for freedom Monday, a federal judge declared that no, in fact, faceless government bureaucrats do not have the authority under the U.S. Constitution to force American citizens to wear face coverings in order to travel between states on airplanes. That would be the Taliban, which we conquered during 20 years of liberation in Afghanistan — until the Taliban emerged victorious. (All praise to the Easter Bunny!)

Turns out that in a republican democracy like America, citizens themselves get some say over how and when our liberties are deprived by the government. The great liberation of American travelers was not embraced by all, however.

At JFK airport in New York City, citizens were confused and frightened. Just hours after the mask mandate was lifted, travelers clung to their masks like security blankets. They tried sticking their thumbs into their mouths. But, alas, their mouths were covered by masks.

They wandered like sleepwalking children in footed pajamas, clutching their binkies to their cheeks.

Others who remembered freedom from their childhood slung free of the hoods that had bound their faces for years, joyfully swinging them around in the air like a striptease of freedom.

The robotic, obedient fearful looked on in terror and bewilderment. A bag lady wearing a complicated mask dug into her luggage and produced filthy masks to offer those who had joyfully unmasked themselves.

The free travelers looked upon her with pity.

Back at the White House, the Easter Bunny stewed over the sudden outbreak of freedom.

Mr. Biden, meanwhile, once again apparently forgot that he had abdicated to the Easter Bunny and spoke to reporters.

Asked about allowing millions more illegal aliens into the country despite the ongoing pandemic, Mr. Biden responded that he instructed the Department of Justice to review the matter before being abruptly whisked away.

Handlers inside the White House immediately issued a clarification. The government remains committed to opening the border to illegal aliens but is reviewing plans to force citizens back into face masks.

Long live the Easter Bunny!

• Charles Hurt is opinion editor the Washington Times.

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