Build the pyres! Raise the gallows! Pound the stakes into the ground! Gather tinder! And someone brings the sulfur matches!
It’s time for human sacrifice.
Like all doomsday cults across the centuries of human existence on Earth, the powerful quack religious priests who flew their private jets to Davos this week are ready for your sacrifice.
Hand over your children, or they will come for them. The younger, stronger, prettier and more fertile, the better.
Must please the gods.
On a personal note, I was driving my crew cab pickup truck, enjoying the unseasonable January warmth with the windows cracked, going up the highway when my radio picked up the local public radio station.
An angry man was frothing about the latest conspiracy that will destroy our precious civilization.
“We would lose our capacity for self-governance on this world! We have to act!” the man raged.
It was Alex Jones, I thought, on local public radio. Oh, this has to be good, I thought. So I kept listening.
Only it turned out it wasn’t Alex Jones. It was former Vice President Al Gore, heaving and spitting into the microphone. Unhinged. His wattle turned brighter iridescent purple than a horny tom turkey in the springtime.
To be fair, it’s always a challenge for doomsdayers to keep their cult going decades after they first predicted the world would end. So, when the tides of reality recede, Mr. Gore must splash and wallow in the surf to make it look like the seas are rising.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen since he invented the internet. Talk about a carbon footprint. This guy certainly hasn’t missed any high-calorie, carbon-spewing meals. The best way to lower the sea level is for the lifeguard to blow the whistle and order him out of the ocean.
His fellow high priest, never-president John Kerry, meanwhile, has ascended himself into the ozone layer among the extraterrestrial. To his credit, Mr. Kerry has at least turned his face into a carbon bank. No Hollywood starlet has packed more petrol plastics into her face and bum than Mr. Kerry has packed into his cheeks.
But still, that is not enough to save the planet, which ended 30 years ago. Or in 11 years. Whatever.
Mr. Kerry flew in his rich wife’s private jet to Davos to celebrate all he has done to save the doomed planet and light the funeral pyres for you and your family.
“When you start to think about it, it’s pretty extraordinary that we — a select group of human beings because of whatever touched us at some point in our lives — are able to sit in a room and come together and actually talk about saving the planet,” he said, reminding everyone why he was never elected president.
“I mean, it’s so almost extraterrestrial to think about saving the planet. If you say that to most people, most people think you’re just a crazy, tree-hugging, lefty liberal, you know, do-gooder, or whatever, and there’s no relationship. But really, that’s where we are.”
Yes, indeed. That is why there was no “relationship” between John Kerry and American voters. They could not flee from him any faster.
It is interesting. Both Mr. Gore and Mr. Kerry will go down in history as political losers. Both were rejected by American voters.
Even more devastating, both lost to the same man: George W. Bush. The village idiot. The low-IQ guy. The poor student. He probably couldn’t even spell “global warming.”
And this is precisely why Mr. Gore and Mr. Kerry are in Davos. It’s all part of their long grieving process. The loss, rejection and suffering of their lives will never end.
No number of back rubs will ever ease Al Gore’s pain. All the riches of wealthy widows will not placate the misery of John Kerry.
Both men lost to George W. Bush.
Their only solace is to make the rest of us as sad and miserable as they are.
• Charles Hurt is opinion editor at The Washington Times.
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