The National Rifle Association has re-vamped two beloved Brother’s Grimm fairy tales with the heroes carrying guns.
In the NRA version of the tale, the Big Bad Wolf leaves Little Red alone as she walks through the forest to visit her grandmother because she’s open-carrying a rifle, which she has been trained to use.
When the wolf tries to eat Little Red’s grandmother, he is met with another firearm and the situation is diffused without a single bullet being fired.
“The wolf leaned in, jaws open wide, then stopped suddenly. Those big ears heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun’s safety being clicked off. Those big eyes looked down and saw that grandma had a scattergun aimed right at him. He realized that Grandmother hadn’t been backing away from him; she had been moving towards her shotgun to protect herself and her home,” the NRA fairy tale reads.
” ‘I don’t think I’ll be eaten today,’ said Grandma, ‘and you won’t be eating anyone again.’ Grandma kept her gun trained on the wolf, who was too scared to move. Before long, he heard a familiar voice call ‘Grandmother, I’m here!’ Red peeked her head in the door. The wolf couldn’t believe his luck — he had come across two capable ladies in the same day, and they were related! Oh, how he hated when families learned how to protect themselves,” the story says.
In the classic fairy tale, two children are abandoned in the woods by their family who can’t take care of them, then they are imprisoned by a witch who lives in a house made of sweets until the children eventually kill the witch.
In the NRA’s version, the family’s hunger prompts a hunting trip. The two children set out into the woods to feed the family. Gretel takes down an impressive 10-point buck before they head home.
But the children get lost on the way home and stumble upon the gingerbread house. They do not try to eat the house, since they are filled with the meat from their hunting trip, but they manage to rescue two boys who were trapped by the witch.
“The boys directed Hansel to the key that would unlock their cage while Gretel stood at the ready with her firearm just in case, for she was a better shot than her brother. Hansel unlocked the cage and opened the door. The hinges gave a groan and the sound of the witch’s snoring stopped, the silence filling the room as they looked at each other in panic,” the NRA story says.
“Gretel got her rifle ready, but lowered it again when the snoring resumed. They helped the boys back out the window and hurried into the forest, breathing a sigh of relief when the cottage was out of sight.”
The witch is eventually taken away by the local sheriff, never to harm another child again.
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