- The Washington Times
Sunday, November 16, 2008

You remember that guy that did that thing that everybody was talking about that time? That was awesome, wasn’t it?


Scientists say that about 70 percent of household dust consists of skin cells and hair that your body has sloughed off.

That means that dust bunnies are your dead skin cells’ feeble attempt to reorganize themselves into an exact duplicate of you.

Think about that the next time you break out the Swiffer 360.


If George Washington were alive today, would we call him the “baby daddy of our country?”


Dollar stores are interesting.

They go by different names, usually using the word “dollar” in front of some noun that suggests plenty like “tree,” “ocean,” “universe” or “virus.”

You can find them in strip malls, regular malls, even upscale malls.

But no matter what you call them or where you find them, they have one thing in common: the smell.

They all have that same odor of distressed plastic and carpet cleaner. How do they do that? Is it a requirement for operating a dollar store?


Fourth-grade movie review of “Last Tango in Paris“:

This is a movie about a guy who has a hotel in Paris. This movie has colors but the guy is sad and lonely because he is in Paris and everybody talks French.

He shows one of his hotel rooms to a lady and they wrestle like how my Mom and Dad do. They wrestle a lot in this movie. Sometimes they don’t have clothes on. I think they wrestle so much because nothing else happens in this movie.

They say that there is dancing in this movie but when you watch it there is no dancing. There is just a lot of talking and some wrestling. They should call this movie “Let’s Wrestle in Paris.”

People in Paris drink and smoke a lot because they have to talk French. That’s bad. I hope I never have to talk French. My Mom would kill me.

They make everybody talk French a lot in this movie. They talk and talk, then smoke some cigarettes and talk some more. I think that’s why the guy and the lady wrestle so much. They are bored. But they don’t know any good wrestling moves so they break up.

I think this movie should have some dancing in it like “High School Musical.” It has colors but nobody is happy. I don’t know why they made this movie. Maybe they needed to make some French people work.


With so many people carrying on phone conversations with their BlueTooth headsets, it’s really hard these days to know who is being crazy and who is just being rude.


Don’t be fooled. Not every dollar store is a real dollar store.

I used to ask for price checks on random items in a dollar store, just to confuse the clerks. (“That’s a dollar, sir. And so is that.”)

Then I asked for a price check in a certain dollar store and was told the item was five bucks.

“Five dollars?” I said. “But this is a dollar store.”

“We have a range of items, from one dollar to 10 dollars,” the clerk said, emphasizing the word “range” as if she were describing the contents of a Neiman Marcus catalog.

Man, did I feel ripped off.

In a dollar store.


I have begun to doubt Darwin’s theory of evolution, based on my own scientific observations of nature.

After more than 100 years of automotive history, evolution by now should have come up with a squirrel fast enough to cross the street without getting hit or smart enough not to set foot on the road in the first place.

Yet every morning I hit that same stupid slow one.


Myth: There’s always room for Jell-O.

Fact: There’s always room for cotton candy.


An Ode to the Moon

Oh, moon, so high
in the sky
Watching o’er me
as I go by
Following me in my car
Just as bright as a
shining star
Right behind me
everywhere I go
Despite that temporary restraining order
Requiring you to maintain a distance
Of at least 275,000 miles at all times
Oh, moon, who do you think you are?


Does anybody do anything with cranberry sauce on any other day besides Thanksgiving?

Then why do they sell it all year long?


Two things to avoid purchasing in a dollar store: gourmet food and power tools.

Trust me on this. Spend the extra dollar.


I had a great idea that would resolve this financial crisis with very little outlay of public funds.

But then I thought it would take at least four weeks to implement it and by then we’d be out of this crisis anyway.

That was in August, and now I’ve forgotten what I was saying.


If George Washington were alive today, he’d be really old.

I bet he and John McCain would be friends. Old school friends.


Right now, you’re probably thinking about dust, especially because I just used the word “dust.”

Don’t worry about it.

If a dust bunny ever achieves sentience, it probably won’t be any smarter or faster than a squirrel.

Read Carleton Bryant’s daily humor blog at https:// washingtontimes.com/weblogs/out-context/

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